Note: This is a guest post written by the Killer (a close friend) who is the founder of one of the most exciting and upcoming relationship/dating sites called IkilledCupid. It’s a social community for talking about all things related to relationships, dating, marriage and than some, while it’s written by a person who’s not only quite opinionated, but also a solid writer. All you need to know about relationships is here.
If you have ever been in a long-term relationship I can guarantee you have had a fight about money. It’s unfortunate that money has ruined some of the most amazing, and fun-loving relationships around. This doesn’t need to be the case, if you choose your partner carefully by getting to know their character, their spending habits and what financial goals they have set for the future.
Investigate their financial baggage
It’s important you ask questions when getting to know your partner at the beginning to see what financial baggage they are carrying. Did they just graduate from college or university? Did they work while going to school or do they have enormous debts owing? Do they own a credit card or 2 or 3? Ekkkk! Do they have a car loan, or a line of credit? These are debts you will inherit when things get more serious and you co habitat with each other. Personally I would never date a student carrying mountains of debt, or someone with maxed out credit cards. I don’t believe people should be looking for, or are ready for a long-term relationship when they have mountains of debt. Frankly they just don’t have their shit together. Rather than looking for a long-term relationship they should be working as much as possible and paying off the debt they have incurred. People bring enough baggage into a relationship never mind massive amounts of financial baggage. Choose a partner that carries very little financial baggage or has a good handle on cleaning up their debt.
Financial compatibility
After you figure out what kind of financial baggage your partner is caring, it is important to see if you are financially compatible. For example a couple that both people are mutual savers and think its important to save for your future early are more compatible than a couple where one is a saver, and one is an excessive spender, and lives in the moment normally living paycheck to paycheck. These peoples priorities and character are likely different which in turn will cause conflict. Choose a partner that has the same drive toward financial goals and possesses the same spending habits as you.
The bread-winner
Financial compatibility is very important, but who has the highest salary/assets “the bread winner” is not. One person is bound to be making more money than the other. My ex made more money than me while I was in school for the first 2 years we lived together, and I made more than him for the next 3 ½ years we were together. We didn’t care who made the most money as long as we were jointly making enough to cover the bills, and meet the goals that we both agreed on together. It’s about having the same goals, working as a team and communicating to each other where your money will be spent, and saved TOGETHER.
If we choose a partner with the least amount of baggage, and are financially compatible we are still bound to have fights and relationship problems that are due to money. It’s inevitable. In most cases these can be settled with compromise. If you give a little, you are bound to get a lot in return. You may not get your way, but you will be happy knowing there is no animosity. That’s what happens when you have mutual respect in a relationship. Unfortunately over time people change and some couples will experience money problems that put a wedge in their relationship, and possible break the relationship. When this happens the money issues are probably not the problem but have more to do with issues that are much deeper than financial burdens. Our use of money and our attitude towards money reveals a lot about our character. Whether someone has a secret account or spends frivolously, without talking with their partner, there are deeper issues. It could be a lack of communication, trust, or self-esteem issues. If money issues are causing you serious doubts about your relationship I would urge you to look deeper into the relationship for the actually problems, which probably are not money. You can be very happy as a couple going to the food bank, buying your clothes at the thrift store as long as you have mutual respect, love, and understanding. Being poor should have no affect on your relationship if it is healthy and you work as a team to pay your bills and work towards the goals you mutually set.
I don’t like arguing about money and other financial matters. I will rather discuss issues on finances, as I understand how sensitive these issues are, but no arguing please.
I think the main problem in today’s dating world, is that many women still hold onto the belief that men should pay for everything. This is neither realistic or fair. It is not like men have money trees growing in their back yard. I have no problem paying for the initial dates in a relationship. But once a couple becomes mutually exclusive, they should both share the financial burdens of dating activities they do together. I actually just broke up with my girlfriend over this issue. She never paid for a single thing we did together or even offered. When I would bring it up on occasion, she would cry poor and say that she had no money. But she had no problem buying things for herself.
Recently she was invited to her friend’s 30th birthday in Las Vegas. The friend who was supposed to be sharing her room flaked on her. She also didn’t care for many of the people who were going. So she begged me to come. She was leaving the day I was getting back from a trip I was taking back east to visit my best friend. But since I wanted to be there for her, and since I like Las Vegas, I said I would go. The day prior to me arranging the flights, she sent me an email asking if I could help cover the cost of the room and my share would be $60. I forgot to get back to her. The next day when I made the flight arrangements, it ended up costing me over $500. So I call her. I let her know that it ended up costing me $500 to go on this trip for her, and I asked as a favor to me if she could just cover the room. I figured that it was the least she could do considering all the trouble and money I just went through.
She says “I can’t afford to do it. I maxed out my credit card and only have enough on there to pay for half the room. I need you to pay for the other half.” I became really upset. I say “With all the money I just spent on flight arrangements, you are really going to sweat me over $60.” She then tells me to cancel my flights, and get my money back. I ask her “How are you going to go if can’t afford the room?” Her reply “I will figure something out.” Not only did she end up going on the trip, but a few days prior she made several Facebook posts dealing with money she had spent on various items for herself. Including how she treated herself to a pedicure. She ended up spending more money on herself in those two days than it cost to pay for my share of the room. When she got back, I broke up with her.