Growing up, and as we move into adulthood, we’re always told to lend a helping hand to those less fortunate and the ones in need.In the same breath, we’re also told to respect our selves and be wise in life. If you ask me, it’s pretty hard to to be wise and help others simultaneously. There are citizen in our society that deserve help, yet never get it.  Than there are those who receive help, yet they don’t deserve it.

So, a few questions arise out of this, Is it possible that helping someone isn’t actually helping them? Are we enabling them? How do we tell the difference between someone needing help, and someone that help will enable them?

It’s a tough call to make, simply because we don’t take enough time to asses the situation. Rather, we’re reactionary. We hear the cry, and automatically we jump into to help. Sadly we all too often are enabling instead of helping.

So, what’s the difference between the two? Let’s asses the definitions.

Helping – The opportunity to do something for someone else in a situation in which they are not capable of doing for themselves.

Enabling – Doing  something or things for someone else that they are able to and should be doing for themselves.

So, why do we enable more than help more?

We’re Reactionary.

We hear the cry, and automatically we jump into to help out. Rather than taking a step back, and assessing the situation, we jump in without much thought. Rescuing someone from the choices they made and subsequent consequences, giving them money as a fix to their immediate self-made problem or allowing kids to move back home due to enormous amounts of debt they incurred, these are all great example of enabling someone.

We don’t want others to suffer.

I wholeheartedly agree that no one deserves to suffer. Typically suffering is a very low point in life, either at or right before rock bottom. However, suffering is not all that it’s made out to be. Sometimes one needs to suffer in order to learn a lesson for life. One’s child end’s up in jail,  what typically happens next? A bail is posted and the kid is out.

If that same kid was kept overnight in jail, and bailed in the morning (they would be release anyways), I think the lesson that they would learn would be far more of an impact versus getting off easy.

We all love control.

There, I said it. We all love control, and when were helping others, essentially we’re in control. We call the shots, make the suggestions and have direct impact on the end outcome. One of the best examples of control are parents who help out their grown kids. The key word here is “grown”.

Parents pay the bills, cook the food and let the kids live the life of the rich and famous, while the kids don’t appreciate any of this. These same parents firmly believe that they have control over their kids, their education choices, career choices and friends, meanwhile in reality they truly don’t have any control.These parents are enabling their kids, rather than teaching them the power of the dollar.

No one likes strife.

Sorry, to keep picking on the parents again, but the best example I can come up with. How often do we go grocery store shopping, we see a kid crying and the parent(s) jumping to aid by enabling the kid with that toy they really want. Rather than telling the kid “NO” and sticking to it, the kid is enabled with the toy. Why? Parents don’t want to deal with the embarrassment of a crying kid.

So, how do we start helping, and stop enabling?

Growing a backbone.

It’s tough to say “No”, especially those close to our hearts.  More often than not, we find ourselves doing things for someone who could doing it them selves.

Co-workers who depend on us constantly to pickup their slack, family members who make us feel obligated and friends who aren’t shy to lean often on us.

Every so often we must say “No”, and give our selves the respect we truly deserve.

Stop being so reactionary.

Rather than jumping in at the first cry for help, we need to take a step back and asses the situation. Why is our help needed? What brought someone to the level that they need help? Do they really need help or do they need to suck it up, and realize that this is life? These are some of the questions we should ask our selves before jumping in for aid.

We should continue to help other at ever opportunity possible, yet at the same time really understand the difference between enabling and helping. Always remember to look at your intentions, your motives, your actions and your outcomes. We should never allow not our guilt and fears, guide the way. Enabling is dangerous on so many different levels. Most of the time it’s hard to recognize the difference, and it’s even harder to stop. When we enable to the point where others expect it of us, it is a struggle to change that dynamic with the other person.

Help others and don’t enable them.

Eddie